Tag Archives: Sexuality

Tantric Love Bomb

“Everybody wants to let go, but how do you let go if you don’t hold things, if you don’t touch things in full consciousness, with a totally open heart?  In Tantrism, the first thing is having the experience of touch, of profound contact with things, with the universe, without mental commotion.  Everything begins there: touching the universe deeply . . . In seeking to let go before taking hold, one doesn’t understand the profound dynamic of love, the fabulous power we all possess.  We are all like bombs ready to explode with love . . . Agreeing to touch the other is agreeing to make this bomb explode.”  - Devi, in “Tantric Quest” by Daniel Odier

This post offers the naked energy of my own being.  I touch my Self in your presence, so that both of our hearts can wake up.

Like dropping over a cliff, I let go of all questions, all defenses, all doubts.  There is no resistance.  A tingly rush sweeps through my body as I free-fall.

I EMBRACE this moment, exactly as it is.  I feel every part of my body say yes.  I invite the universe in to myself.  I shiver when I touch the ground of the present moment.  The wind is full.  My body is full.  The taste of my mouth is full.  The movement of my breath is full and complete.  I feel the fullness of me.  I ache with this fullness.

Let this very moment touch you too.  As the sunlight hits your face, let it penetrate your ribs, your stomach, your pelvis, your lips, your heart.  Let the emotion stirred by these words enter your heart, your body.  Let yourself grow warm.  Let your heart out from its cage, let its desire for connection sweep through you.

I ALLOW myself to be, exactly as I am.  I am complete.  My beauty–the fact that I EXIST–takes my breath away.  I possess a fabulous power.  I see myself, and I have no end.  There is nowhere to go with myself, nothing to do.  I burst into being.  I am here!

Unfurl yourself, and let yourself be vast.  Touch your own beauty.  Let the sensation of being alive electrocute you.  Feel your fierceness.  You are on fire.  Go deep, deep within the center of your own being, and find that you have no end too.  You are infinite.  You EXIST.

I OPEN to your gaze.  I let you see me.  I stand unadorned.  I allow myself to be magnificent.  I open my heart completely to you.

Allow me to see you.  Stay connected to the ground of your being as you meet my gaze.  We connect.  You are noble, and utterly powerful.  Your sheer gorgeousness breaks my heart.

How deeply can you let yourself be touched?  How much can you stand?  Can you admit how beautiful you are? Even if you close up the next moment, for just this moment right now can you let the Universe in?  Let me in?

Let your longing take over, even if it starts out as no more than a half-remembered ecstasy.  Give yourself permission to feel.  Let it grow, become unbearable.  Connect with that constant, underlying ache to fully open to life, and allow it to rip through you.  That longing IS your own power . .  . the bomb ticking.  Open to it.  It is who you are.

For just a second, allow yourself to explode.

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Dating Adventures

Becoming more clearly aware of emotions and life situations and the space in which they occur might open us to a still more panoramic awareness.  A compassionate attitude, a warmth, develops at this point.  It is an attitude of fundamental acceptance of oneself while still retaining critical intelligence . . . Emotions are as they are, neither suppressed nor indulged but simply acknowledged . . . [T]he precise awareness of details leads into an openness to the complex totality of situations.  –Ocean of Dharma: The Everyday Wisdom
of Chögyam Trungpa
, quote 149.

So as I have been turning the corner into 2012, I have been going on lots of dates.  This is a new experience for me.  And when I say new, I mean that my dating life can be summarized in about three phases.  First, High School in a Small Town.  Then–lasting seven years–College Boyfriend.   After two months of singledom, five years with the Ex.

To put this all together, the last time I truly dated was . . . never.  So here I am writing these vibrant posts about opening up to pleasure, and it turns out that in one very real and concrete way I am kind of new to what that means.  Not only that, but despite all of these guys I have been meeting, none of them have gone anywhere.   I just keep on finding myself thinking.. nice guy…great friend…attractive even…but no.  It is not like I am looking for a relationship.  The opposite, I want to stay single.  But while I am saying no, my recently-single guy friends are hooking up left and right.

So I started to wonder–am I really saying yes to life and pleasure?  Or am I holding back?  (total Sex in the City transition, I know…cue voice-over and Mac laptop)

I have sat with this question for a few days, and I what I have realized is that I am a bystander to a fight between two imaginary chicks.  On one side stands: Amazing Liberated Sexy Woman.  And on the other side of the  ring is: Self-Doubting Never-Dated Girl.   It is sort of funny to watch them duke it out.  I get all excited about Tantra… and my experience of higher bliss…and wham!  I convince myself I “should” be having full-body orgasms already and embodying the feminine divine.  But what if I can’t?  Or what if I don’t feel like being all deep, and just want to hang out, or get laid?  And then (as my Carrie voice mentioned above), I go back to the other extreme and think shit, I am scared!  I am afraid of being hurt.   I do not feel powerful in my body.   I can be awkward, and silly, and (insert not-goddess-like behavior here).

Of course, neither of these women is real.  But the way to deal with them is not to push them away or tell them they do not exist.  In fact, the more I resist them and pretend like I totally have it together, the stronger they become.  Back into the arrows-into-flowers practice.  I have to invite both of these illusionary ladies to tea.   I watch them.  I learn their funny tricks.   I listen to what they say.  The more comfortable I get acknowledging and sitting with them… the more I can laugh at how ridiculous and endearing they can be...and the more I realize they are not me.  Staying present during this internal tug-of-war allows me to step outside of it and be free.

What is the truth of where I am at?  I am strong and scared.  I want connection and space. I can be awkward and full of grace.   I am me and more.  When I let things be real and complex, I stop trying to force anything to be something it is not.   And–paradox of all paradoxes–I get where I want to be, which is creating a space for true connection and life to come through me.  Who knows what life will bring me . . . a super-intense deep experience, or a physical one just cause I feel like it.   In fact, the couple of connections I have had so far happened without too much thought, and they were fun.   When I stop feeling limited by definitions and false dichotomies, I can approach dating like what is supposed to be–an adventure.

When I think back to my original awakening experience at the Tantra workshop, this is exactly the heart-space where it came from… I wasn’t worried about what experience I was going to have…I accepted that some part of me was a bit nervous…and I just went for it.  What all of this brings me to is the beautiful lesson that opening to pleasure and connection is really less about opening to others than it is about opening to (and loving) my own messy, human, real self.

Any other women or men out there share similar struggles with self-judgment (in the area of sexuality/dating or anything else)?  Was this story helpful to you?  Questions?  Share your comments below….:)

With love,

N

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