David Deida Workshop: Masculine and Feminine Energies

Mykonos: Paco, what do you feel right now in your heart?
Paco: I don’t know, not much.
Mykonos: Your friends are going to die. You are going to die. This is a fine woman. She wants to feel your heart. We all want to feel your heart.
Paco: Well, maybe I dont want to give you my heart.
Mykonos: Fuck you, Paco. — David Deida, Wild Nights

Our world is divided into two forces: the masculine and the feminine. The bee pollinates the flower. The man penetrates the woman. Consciousness pierces space.

All of us carry the capacity for both masculine and feminine energy. Masculine energy is presence and purpose. It is solid. Feminine energy is life, motion, light, beauty.

Sexual energy arises out of the polarity of feminine and masculine energy. The male energy is attracted by the radiance of the feminine energy. The female is drawn to the masculine’s presence and depth. His undivided attention provides a structure and support for the female energy to shine even brighter, letting go of all defenses that would block her beauty.

In our modern world, the artfulness and sacredness of this polarity has been lost. Or it appears in a degraded form. Women (and some men) dress provocatively to get praise and attention for their egos, rather than as an outward manifestation of a deeper power. Men (and some women) chase after money and status to prove their worth, without learning how to cultivate real masculine integrity and presence.

This weekend I attended a workshop by David Deida, who has published many books on sexuality and spirituality. I came away in love with the raw power of feminine energy. I felt like a temple-keeper for this incredible goddess that happened to live in my body, ancient and nameless, that makes flowers grow, waves move, and bodies rot. And I also felt like the Goddess herself.

Now I understand why I have repeatedly gotten feedback not to over-structure my travels over the next few months. I thrive off of unstructured freedom because it is a feminine mode of existence. It makes me feel more vibrant, alive, and creative to not have a specific plan.

I also came away with a better understanding of what I am looking for in a man. Deida’s description of the feminine longing for connection echoes the part of me that is vast and intense, and that craves an equally powerful force that is capable of diving deep enough to meet me.

I want a man to let me feel his heart. Not a touchy-feely sharing circle, or a pseudo-spiritual staring contest that substitutes for real connection. I want the rootedness and strength of a man: alive, present, open, and attentive. Willing to share himself and be touched.

Many guys are scared of intimacy because they are afraid of being vulnerable. I get it. Connection with many potential dangers: heartache, shame, possessiveness, jealousy. These may be avoided by staying unconscious, superficial, at a distance, unavailable. But what else is life for? Let me feel your heart Paco!

Okay, so what about the juicy Tantric sex stuff? Deida shared stories of what sex is like when the masculine and feminine forces are fully activated. The couple synchronizes their breath. The man breathes through the woman so that he starts to be able to guide her energy. Instead of ejaculating, the man recirculates this sexual energy through the woman. Not only is the man flooding the woman with sexual energy, he is also flooding her with consciousness (the essence of masculine energy). He does this in part by being infinitely receptive to her responses. The woman loses self control–her physical responses become spontaneous as her normal boundaries disappear into a vast bliss. As Deida put it, she has been fucked to God.

And these teachings go beyond sex. We will all be too old for physical sex at some point. Or we may not want to have sex for other reasons. What do we do with this longing, this power, then?

Ultimately, the union of the masculine and feminine is a vital expression of our our own longing to merge with God. The world is the feminine– ever in motion, changing, full of beauty, but also merciless and harsh. She is all things, full of life even as it changes to death. The masculine is our own consciousness. Union happens when, no matter what shit or amazing pleasures the world throws at us, we keep our hearts open instead of collapsing or hiding. Stand strong and let the world crack you open with her beauty and pain. Let me feel your heart Paco.

Tantric Love Bomb

“Everybody wants to let go, but how do you let go if you don’t hold things, if you don’t touch things in full consciousness, with a totally open heart?  In Tantrism, the first thing is having the experience of touch, of profound contact with things, with the universe, without mental commotion.  Everything begins there: touching the universe deeply . . . In seeking to let go before taking hold, one doesn’t understand the profound dynamic of love, the fabulous power we all possess.  We are all like bombs ready to explode with love . . . Agreeing to touch the other is agreeing to make this bomb explode.”  - Devi, in “Tantric Quest” by Daniel Odier

This post offers the naked energy of my own being.  I touch my Self in your presence, so that both of our hearts can wake up.

Like dropping over a cliff, I let go of all questions, all defenses, all doubts.  There is no resistance.  A tingly rush sweeps through my body as I free-fall.

I EMBRACE this moment, exactly as it is.  I feel every part of my body say yes.  I invite the universe in to myself.  I shiver when I touch the ground of the present moment.  The wind is full.  My body is full.  The taste of my mouth is full.  The movement of my breath is full and complete.  I feel the fullness of me.  I ache with this fullness.

Let this very moment touch you too.  As the sunlight hits your face, let it penetrate your ribs, your stomach, your pelvis, your lips, your heart.  Let the emotion stirred by these words enter your heart, your body.  Let yourself grow warm.  Let your heart out from its cage, let its desire for connection sweep through you.

I ALLOW myself to be, exactly as I am.  I am complete.  My beauty–the fact that I EXIST–takes my breath away.  I possess a fabulous power.  I see myself, and I have no end.  There is nowhere to go with myself, nothing to do.  I burst into being.  I am here!

Unfurl yourself, and let yourself be vast.  Touch your own beauty.  Let the sensation of being alive electrocute you.  Feel your fierceness.  You are on fire.  Go deep, deep within the center of your own being, and find that you have no end too.  You are infinite.  You EXIST.

I OPEN to your gaze.  I let you see me.  I stand unadorned.  I allow myself to be magnificent.  I open my heart completely to you.

Allow me to see you.  Stay connected to the ground of your being as you meet my gaze.  We connect.  You are noble, and utterly powerful.  Your sheer gorgeousness breaks my heart.

How deeply can you let yourself be touched?  How much can you stand?  Can you admit how beautiful you are? Even if you close up the next moment, for just this moment right now can you let the Universe in?  Let me in?

Let your longing take over, even if it starts out as no more than a half-remembered ecstasy.  Give yourself permission to feel.  Let it grow, become unbearable.  Connect with that constant, underlying ache to fully open to life, and allow it to rip through you.  That longing IS your own power . .  . the bomb ticking.  Open to it.  It is who you are.

For just a second, allow yourself to explode.

A Beautiful Experience of Community

Phew.  A lot has happened since the last time I posted.  Two weekends ago, I went to a Tantra retreat.   When I say Tantra to people, a lot of times I can feel them get weird, like they assume that there is some sort of crazy, wild orgy thing going on.  Tantra is not about sex, although it does not exclude sex.  It is not focused on it, and does not treat it lightly.  If anything, my experience with Tantra is teaching me to have much more respect and awe for sexual energy, and to honor its power.

But really, Tantra is about opening to life.  It is about fully embracing this human experience as a spiritual path.

This weekend, there were about 20 people in a house in Malibu on retreat.  What happens on a Tantra retreat?  There were many levels to the practice.  There was energy work–chakra breathing, chanting, both alone and with a partner.  There were fun, playful, simple practices like: do something nourishing with your partner.  What seems simple can turn into something deeply meaningful, food for the soul.  There  were group practices with the women and men apart.  There was dancing  And, very importantly, there was the circling practice, where we all sit around and talk about whatever–big, small, mundane, profound–we are going through in a safe space.  You can say anything and it is okay.

All of this work happens in an energetic and physical container–a place outside of our normal patterns, with the strength and safety to allow us to explore and grow.  As we did all this work inside this container,  slowly but surely, we all came out of our shells.   We left behind that thick cocoon of ego/fear/habit/striving/craving/posturing/politeness that normally hides us from each other and from life, and stepped naked and vulnerable out into the space of the group.

And in that naked vulnerable space, we were more available to give and receive love than I have. ever. felt.  We cheered for each other.  We cried for each other.  We told each other when we scared each other, or when we made each other mad.  We listened to whatever the other had to say.  We were silly and playful with each other.  And finally, we celebrated each other.

There was so much energy and love going around that I just yelled at the sky, skipped down the road, cried and laughed at the same time.  I feel a very soft and vulnerable side of myself emerge.  It felt safe to be beautiful, and tender, and sweet.  It felt safe, and right, to tell people I loved them.  It felt safe, and right, to be loved.  Everyone just seemed to fragile and sweet, and strong at the same time.  Myself included.

I wish I could pull every person in my life that I care about into that space, so I could directly interact with their heart free of all of the crap that usually keeps us apart.  I feel a deep longing for that sort of deep and authentic connection on a regular basis.  I want to touch the sweet part of everyone that longs for the same thing.  Not to solve or fix anything, but just to see each other as we really are.

Traveling at Home

I love to travel, and have gone a fair number of places in my life.  Mexico, Cuba, Peru, Chile, Nicaragua, France, Italy, Spain, Greece, Holland, Hawaii, Brazil, Puerto Rico, Ecuador, Bahamas, Japan, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, St. Lucia, Anguilla.  I might be missing a few, but you can tell it is a pretty good list.

One of my favorite parts about traveling is going to a place where your expectations no longer apply, and you walk into the world fully aware that each moment is new.   This can be a physical revelation . . . like the luminescent microorganisms in the waters in Puerto Rico, that sent off waves of sparkles in the dark waters as I swam at night.  Or like the amazing heaviness of life in the Amazon jungle, where the air was so thick with nutrients that trees’ roots hovered three feet off of the ground.  The shock of life can also come as a social revelation . . . like in Vietnam, where on a river-boat cruise to Cambodia I waved to people living in stilted houses on small patches of sand.  Or in Brazil (ahh…Brazil) where I attended a neighborhood African-Brazilian spiritual ceremony, and the kids, and grandmothers, and fathers all gathered to drum and sing the ancient Yoruban gods into their cement-floored living room, with the TV pushed to one side.

This is the first year in a long time I cannot take any extended vacations outside of the United States.   It is all good though . . . as much as I want to be in a tropical location sipping rum out of a coconut, I can still expand my mind at home.  The truth is that the world can be as small or as big, as boring or as crazy, as I let it be.  As my Tantra teacher Charu loves to say, “Stop being clever.  Accept the fact that you know nothing.”  If I think I have already discovered all there is to know at home, then I have.  If I accept the hypothesis that the world can blow my mind, then it will.

Case in point at the Tantra workshop this weekend.  I had watched Charu demonstrate some of the exercises, and part of me thought:  “Well that is great for her, but that will never happen for me.”  I didn’t think it was “possible.”  So we start doing one of the breathing exercises, and my partner and one of the teachers are telling me to let go, to stop trying to make sense of it, to let chaos control.  And I hear myself think:  “I can’t do it!  It won’t work.”  I heard that voice, remembered what Charu said, and told myself: you know what:  “What do I know?  Why not just see what happens?”  And the moment I gave up my idea of what I thought was possible… I had an amazing experience of kundalini energy snaking its way through my body.  It happened in a big industrial loft in the middle of Culver City, right in my own backyard.  And it was like nothing I have ever experienced before.  I do not understand it.  I am humbled by it.  And I am alive with the idea that whatever I think life is about is much, much smaller than the truth.

That’s a big jump into the world of the possible.  But there are small jumps too, that can be just as important.  For example, this Monday I went down to my favorite neighborhood cafe to grab a quick breakfast.   I was alone and I brought my book.  While I was in line waiting to order, I saw two guys that I thought looked interesting.  And I thought, I wonder what their deal is?  My usual expectation was that I would walk out of the restaurant never knowing.  But a part of me said: I want to talk to them, and I believe I can.  Next thing you know, the only open seat is at the table next to them, and they end up asking me about the eggs.  I used that chance to start a conversation.  Turns out one of them is a poet, and the other lives in the neighborhood.  So, two new friends.  In the end, I walked out of that cafe having had a totally different time than what I expected when I first walked in with my book, because I was open to the experience.

So I am going to keep on practicing to stop being so clever.  Remember that I know nothing.  (Yes, back to Buddhism… in the beginner’s mind there are a world of possibilities… in the expert’s mind there are few.)  I look forward to amazing travels close to home.  I have no idea what to expect.

Dating Adventures

Becoming more clearly aware of emotions and life situations and the space in which they occur might open us to a still more panoramic awareness.  A compassionate attitude, a warmth, develops at this point.  It is an attitude of fundamental acceptance of oneself while still retaining critical intelligence . . . Emotions are as they are, neither suppressed nor indulged but simply acknowledged . . . [T]he precise awareness of details leads into an openness to the complex totality of situations.  –Ocean of Dharma: The Everyday Wisdom
of Chögyam Trungpa, quote 149.

So as I have been turning the corner into 2012, I have been going on lots of dates.  This is a new experience for me.  And when I say new, I mean that my dating life can be summarized in about three phases.  First, High School in a Small Town.  Then–lasting seven years–College Boyfriend.   After two months of singledom, five years with the Ex.

To put this all together, the last time I truly dated was . . . never.  So here I am writing these vibrant posts about opening up to pleasure, and it turns out that in one very real and concrete way I am kind of new to what that means.  Not only that, but despite all of these guys I have been meeting, none of them have gone anywhere.   I just keep on finding myself thinking.. nice guy…great friend…attractive even…but no.  It is not like I am looking for a relationship.  The opposite, I want to stay single.  But while I am saying no, my recently-single guy friends are hooking up left and right.

So I started to wonder–am I really saying yes to life and pleasure?  Or am I holding back?  (total Sex in the City transition, I know…cue voice-over and Mac laptop)

I have sat with this question for a few days, and I what I have realized is that I am a bystander to a fight between two imaginary chicks.  On one side stands: Amazing Liberated Sexy Woman.  And on the other side of the  ring is: Self-Doubting Never-Dated Girl.   It is sort of funny to watch them duke it out.  I get all excited about Tantra… and my experience of higher bliss…and wham!  I convince myself I “should” be having full-body orgasms already and embodying the feminine divine.  But what if I can’t?  Or what if I don’t feel like being all deep, and just want to hang out, or get laid?  And then (as my Carrie voice mentioned above), I go back to the other extreme and think shit, I am scared!  I am afraid of being hurt.   I do not feel powerful in my body.   I can be awkward, and silly, and (insert not-goddess-like behavior here).

Of course, neither of these women is real.  But the way to deal with them is not to push them away or tell them they do not exist.  In fact, the more I resist them and pretend like I totally have it together, the stronger they become.  Back into the arrows-into-flowers practice.  I have to invite both of these illusionary ladies to tea.   I watch them.  I learn their funny tricks.   I listen to what they say.  The more comfortable I get acknowledging and sitting with them… the more I can laugh at how ridiculous and endearing they can be...and the more I realize they are not me.  Staying present during this internal tug-of-war allows me to step outside of it and be free.

What is the truth of where I am at?  I am strong and scared.  I want connection and space. I can be awkward and full of grace.   I am me and more.  When I let things be real and complex, I stop trying to force anything to be something it is not.   And–paradox of all paradoxes–I get where I want to be, which is creating a space for true connection and life to come through me.  Who knows what life will bring me . . . a super-intense deep experience, or a physical one just cause I feel like it.   In fact, the couple of connections I have had so far happened without too much thought, and they were fun.   When I stop feeling limited by definitions and false dichotomies, I can approach dating like what is supposed to be–an adventure.

When I think back to my original awakening experience at the Tantra workshop, this is exactly the heart-space where it came from… I wasn’t worried about what experience I was going to have…I accepted that some part of me was a bit nervous…and I just went for it.  What all of this brings me to is the beautiful lesson that opening to pleasure and connection is really less about opening to others than it is about opening to (and loving) my own messy, human, real self.

Any other women or men out there share similar struggles with self-judgment (in the area of sexuality/dating or anything else)?  Was this story helpful to you?  Questions?  Share your comments below….:)

With love,

N

Being Seen

i can be beautiful
and you can be strong

a woman
without apologies
boy turned man,
the heart-remembered way

illusionary outskirts,
we are in the center
life will come through

i accept your gaze
in full glory
the second slips away, again
leaving everything new

Opening to Pleasure

So the last two posts were about working through and accepting a difficult experience.  This post is about opening up to pleasure, an important part of my current journey.  I love how life’s lessons are so balanced.  :)  I am also going to talk a bit about the inspiration for the name Threedeelife (although I have put some more thought into it since then, and will add more later).

Alright, so what do I mean–opening up to pleasure?  The funny thing is that just as people have a hard time experiencing pain, we also have a hard time fully opening up to pleasure.  This may take a bit to sink in . . .like, wait, I love pleasure.  I have no trouble enjoying food, sex, love, ect.  That’s what we think.

What I have learned is that what we ordinarily experience as pleasure is a small, contracted form of the larger bliss that is open to us.  Years of living in society have given us a shell/armor/cocoon/posture/persona that makes it hard for us to access this deeper place.  Sometimes we are aware that we carefully manage and control our experiences–even the good ones–so as not to rock the boat or let others get too close.  In other instances, we do not even realize that our usual way of doing things is just one way of approaching life, with predictably limited results.  Women can have an especially difficult time experiencing pleasure because of past trauma or society’s judgmental double-standard.  Men can have particular trouble escaping macho stereotypes and being truly present and vulnerable.  How often do we really open to vibrant, alive, joy?

I am beginning to learn more about my relationship with pleasure through Tantric workshops and practices with Charu Morgan, of Embody Tantra.  (Check out her webpage here!)  Charu is a dynamic, tender, and caring Tantra teacher, and highly recommended.  Plus, she is funny and down-to-earth.  She attracts a great group of interesting people who are usually already on a spiritual path.

So, people ask me:  what is Tantra exactly?  The basis for Tantra is the text of the Vignana Bhairava Tantra, which contains 112 meditation techniques delivered by Lord Shiva to his consort Devi.  The techniques include breathwork, chanting, and visualization practices.  (There are actually only five meditation techniques that use touch!)  These practices gradually open us to ourselves, as well as sensual pleasure and intimacy with another person, as rungs on a ladder to merging with the Divine.

Second question I often get: what does a Tantra workshop involve?  Many of the exercises are simple, but run deep.  For example, in a recent workshop the men and women partnered up (you can attend  Tantra workshops with a partner or by yourself).  The first part of each partnering (no talking) was to make eye contact and bow.  (Side note: It is amazing how deeply I crave the very simple act of being seen and appreciated.  I think this is a craving many women feel.)  In each partnering, we explored a practice based on the elements, or different senses.  In one of my favorites, the men imagined that they were standing on the edge of the ocean.  The women became the ocean…feeling the ebb and flow of water as part of themselves..and then allowed their body to follow and express that movement…and then finally transmit that energy to the men through touch… as if the waves were lapping against them.   I felt beautiful during this exercise, and very connected to my partner.  Another amazing exercise (and one that is directly linked with continuous whole-body orgasms), is the fire breath.  It involves a curving and contraction of the spine, linked with your breath and pelvic muscle work, while holding onto your parter.  (Good tip: do not practice fire-breath while driving… even you are bored and traffic is slow.  Trust me on this.)

The name of this blog–Threedeelife–was inspired by a two-day Tantra workshop I participated in during this past fall/winter.  During one exercise, I started to feel this strange power running through my body–not even so much sexual, although it was pleasurable–but just unknown and much bigger than me.  It sort of felt like my body was a computer I had been using as a paperweight, and I suddenly discovered that it could turn on and be used to access the Internet.  What was this!?!  Why did I not know my body could do this?

The exercise was intense, but what was amazing was what came afterwards.  For the next week or two, I experienced this very deep, rooted connection with the present moment.  I also experienced a sensual experience for life.  The wind in my hair.  The sunshine through the window.  Finally, my own light and vibration was watted-up.  I ran a mile faster than I normally do in the gym.  Several friends commented that I was glowing.

That experience–(no doubt made possible in part by my heart-opening from fully embracing the pain of my breakup!)–inspired this blog’s name.  When we are in a contracted state, avoiding both pleasure and pain, life is two-dimensional.   We stay small.  We avoid the lows, but the highs as well.  We do not grow.  When we are in an open, receptive state–when we say YES to life, whatever it may bring, we begin to let a larger power move through us.  We tap into a vibrant and joyful energy, and become aware of an amazing richness to life.  My journey right now is about consciously opening my body, mind, and heart, so I continue to experience that third, ALIVE dimension to everyday life.  Threedeelife!!