Today is my birthday. And so far my best present was an insight. It felt like when the clouds part on a grey day and you can see that the sun had been shining the whole time.
The backstory: I fell in love with someone in the last few months. Falling in love is funny. One minute you like them, they’re great. The next minute they are in your heart. And it’s like: wait I don’t remember opening that door. How did you get inside? But there they are. And suddenly you are vulnerable in a way you never agreed to be.
The second backstory: I ended it. We were dating and he was travelling and I wanted more contact than he did. Which was the right move for both of us. It felt good that we could both own what we wanted and respect the other person. I felt solid.
The current story: We still see each other on a regular basis as we are in the same group of friends. And the thing is: he’s still in here. WTF. I thought I asked him to leave. Apparently, my heart did not get the message from my brain. Most of the time it is fine, and the love feels like warm friendly tenderness and laughter. Other times, it feels like sad isolation, a tightness and mopiness for his inability to give me what I want. Or an anger at myself and my stupid heart for not being able to “let go.”
The insight: This morning we were at breakfast together with a group of friends, joking about Will Ferrell movies and the paleo diet. After I blew out the candle on my birthday cupcake, everyone at the table told me an intimate reflection/communication as a way to celebrate me. And his to me was: “You have this ability to go into these high places, and that’s where I get knocked out.” And with that short sentence, he let me know that he still feels me, even when he can’t always follow me where I want to go.
And then I saw it. How we are like two circles in a Venn diagram, overlapping, yet pulling at the edge’s of each other’s comfort zones.
For me, he represents the ability to keep loving even when that love cannot be returned the way I want. I am exercising my heart to be strong and robust. One that gives without getting stuck like a sad kitten at his emotional front door, scratching to be let in. One that stays open even when every bone in my body wants to deny that I feel anything, or make him responsible for “making” me feel this way. And yes, this means that my tender heart gets to be cracked open in ways that don’t always feel pleasurable. If you ask me on a bad day, I will most likely chalk this post up to a birthday sugar-overload, and play the role of a sad victim of unavailable men.
And for him, I represent being able to receive a full, open love. He wants to shut down and close it off and kick me out of his heart. But I know that I am still in there too. And little by little, I can feel that he is relaxing into it, letting me love him. And maybe he’ll never return it in the way I want. Most likely, I won’t be the one that he throws open the doors for. But I have my own special place inside that is still growing, and breaking up walls like shoots of grass rising through pavement. There is a deepening.
Seeing this, I stopped seeing our current situation as a “problem.” Sure, there’s a comfort and energy that happens when two people’s circles overlap more completely. You can draw a tight circle around yourselves and call it a relationship. Within that space, you can create things together and maybe even plan for the future. But there’s also a magic that happens when the circles don’t entirely overlap. To stay connected while respecting the distance that exists between you challenges you to grow and expand. You get to experience bigger and bigger versions of love.