“The minute you withhold in a relationship, it starts to deteriorate.” -Nicole Daedone
“We use om so we can burn off the illusion of scarcity, so you can admit you’re already full. And not just full, but *stuffed* with abundance! Our life is a gift to start with!” – Nicole Daedone
I just finished a rollercoaster of a ride. I started working with a holistic personal trainer a couple of months ago. He worked with fitness and nutrition, as well as the underlying patterns showing up in your life. I felt attracted to him from the very beginning, and the work we were doing went very deep so I was emotionally very open.
For the first part of the ride, I thought he felt the same way. It was hot. And then the rollercoaster went down, and I realized what I had been interpreting as mutual flirtation was just friendly openness and support. (Or at least, he was not consciously on the same page as me.) And my attraction to him became ugly and resentful, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed about my own desire.
So then I tried to pretend that my feelings didn’t exist. That I could will myself into letting go. I told myself I was being strong and mature and level-headed. Surprisingly, this didn’t work. I was still secretly desiring his attention and trying to manipulate him into giving it to me. Meanwhile, I was resisting the training and growing frustrated.
Finally, this week I decided I wanted off the ride. I chose truth. I ended the training. I confessed to him that I had been attracted to him and that I wanted trust and surrender, but just not in the form of motivational speeches and diet plans. He thanked me for my honesty and vulnerability. There was a full silence, and sense of resolution and clearing. I said goodbye. I felt good. I thought that was it.
And then a day later, the final piece came through. I realized that I had actually been getting the love I wanted from him this whole time, it just didn’t look like the way I thought it should. I had been subconsciously refusing it out of a limiting belief that it wasn’t enough . . . I wasn’t enough . . . I needed more. As I let go of my attachments and stories and spoke the truth, my expectations melted, and I could appreciate this support fully. This sense of being loved gained in power and intensity, and it felt full and meaningful in its own right. I felt grateful. So my final communication to him was to let him know that his energy and caring were received. Now I feel this clean flowing of energy and peace. The ride is over, but the learning and blossoming go on.
Epilogue: I frequently find that as a learn a new life lesson, teachings pour in that confirm and solidify my insight. This is what happened here. Shortly after reaching this insight, someone shared with me the following “Three Levels of Truth” structure which they based on teachings from the amazing Nicole Daedone (founder of OneTaste).
The truth about circumstances: who, what, when, how.
- The truth about your internal self – the emotional reactions and feelings, the hurts and the joys, the resentments – that allows others to see you. This kind of truth sets you free, though it might hurt other people.
- Then there is what seems to be the deepest level of truth – the one that sets the other person free. At this level, it’s not about what you want for yourself but about their freedom – their freedom to be who they are at their best, to live out their purpose. It’s a place where your attachment to them is secondary to their freedom, and it might mean that you won’t get what you want from them in the short term. Although of course, this is the only level where you yourself are truly free. When you’re playing at this deep level, this is pure love.